Patch Blog: Lessons in the Hand of Buddha

In 2008 I inquired into joining the Dominican order.

I told the priest, a lovely and gentle man, that I was gay and that I have AIDS. Without flinching, he told me that the best way to join any order would be to ‘stay in the closet and don't mention having AIDS.’

“Why would I do that?” I asked. “I popped the lock off that closet a long time ago and I have suffered for my sexual orientation. I am what I am. I am here to love and serve God.”  He just looked at me and I smiled and thanked him for his honesty.

I shook my head and thought to myself, “After 40 plus years of being called a fag and being ostracized from the church, he tells me to get back into the closet; in other words live a lie. How can I do that after being so openly gay?” It made no sense.

Before I became a brother I was called a fag more times than I can count. I didn’t choose to be gay but I am. I clearly remember questioning my sexuality. It seems everyone else knew I was gay before I knew. I had plenty of girls that were friends but I didn’t date.

In my early 20’s, I taught Catechism and I can recall the kids calling me a fag. They did it right in front of their parents. Their parent stood by and did nothing. In many ways their silence told me they were complicit in the acts of their children. It was painful and I was so embarrassed. Even my older brother notoriously tormented me as did many co-workers. In those days, being gay made you a complete societal outcast and deviant.

I now openly tell people I'm gay and have AIDS and the support I get is overwhelming but this is not so for many others who are just realizing that they are gay or different.

Although the world appears to be more accepting of “different” from 40 years ago, discrimination is no less prevalent. Nor is the pain that discrimination causes people.

In my work, I witness the human pain caused and experienced at the hands of others. Children are ostracized and chastised for being different. We fail to recognize that our great Creator is an expression of everything around us; including ‘different.”

As I strolled through the grocery store the other evening,  I found myself surrounded in glorious color and a wide and wild variety of fruit. Gorgeous Dragon fruit, the Hand of Buddha, Star fruit and other exotics that come from the earth were fragrant and touching my senses.

On the other hand, apples, oranges and bananas were abundant. I was struck by the beauty of the Hand of Buddha, a fruit that resembles a Hindu hand and is widely used as a table decorative. Its fragrance, citrusy and clean wafted through the air.

As I held this fruit it evoked a response in the people surrounding me. Some gawked, some were frightened to touch it and others found its fragrance mesmerizing and its flourishing shape beautiful. “That is weird,” one woman said. “It’s so deformed looking I wouldn’t have it in my house.” Her three children scrunched their faces in agreement.

Another woman was openly curious, “What is that wonderful looking being?” she asked. “And its fragrance is so refreshing. How do you use it? Its shape is magnificent! I have to have one!” She put the fruit into the front of her cart and as she continued shopping, more and more people were curious about the fruit. Soon the store was buzzing with the beauty of the Hand of Buddha.

“It only takes one person to change the mind of others,” I said to myself. There will always be those who choose to see things as ugly or weird but true power is in love. Jesus was seen as an outcast and his death was ordered not once but twice and he met those who persecuted him with love.

When we feel there is no one to turn to, when our hearts ache with feeling that we are an outcast or not accepted, remember that we are the created from a Great God and in that image. How then, can different be anything other than  love?  Do not be afraid to talk to God, to demand, to plea to ask for help. Many times I have fallen to my knees and said, “You created me, now please show me what I am to do.”  Shut the noise of the world out and be silent. Go within yourself and find your connection with God. Hope is always at the end of each prayer and you will find it in your heart.

St.  Damien was a Priest who went to serve the lepers on Molokai. Slandered by a Protestant minister, Mr. Hyde, Damien was defended by Robert Louis Stevenson, who wrote an impassioned defense of Damien in 1905. His life is an example to us to choose the good fight and to not to buy into the fight that leads to division; to gather together in unity and love.

Why God called me, a gay man to help others is beyond me but I heard the call and responded. During this holiday season, if we are faced with being “different” love your difference as an expression of God. Before judging another as “different” remember that if God is everything then God is “different.” Through tolerance and acceptance of our differences we unite in love.