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Patch Blog: My life With Katie, the Aftermath

For me the news was devastating. My shock and grief went on for several weeks. In fact, I was sad for the rest of my pregnancy.

I have been procrastinating writing this. As if putting it down in the written word would somehow make it all real.

My husband moved out this week. We have been together for nine years, although married only two. Our relationship and marriage courtship is a very over the top soap opera saga that I will not bore you with. Although I expect him to be a fairly engaged parent, I am now on my own.

Today is my 40th birthday. A single mother of three young children is certainly not where I expected to be on this birthday. I truly expected to be in Las Vegas with my husband (and not the kids) having an amazing time. 

When you receive difficult news as my husband and I did about our daughter Katie and her diagnosis of Down Syndrome, the outcome can go one of two directions. It can either strengthen your marriage in ways you never thought possible, or it can make every slight blemish seem catastrophic. My marriage ending is not what I had expected or wanted.

Having a child with Down Syndrome is not what I had expected or wanted. It would be easy to put a “but” here and say something like “But now that she is here we wouldn’t have it any other way. She is a blessing.” Of course I wouldn’t have it any other way and of course I know she is a blessing. But at the same time, it is hard not to beat myself up over the “what if’s.” If I didn’t get pregnant, would I still have my husband? If we didn't get the diagnosis, would I still have my husband? If I had made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, would I still have my husband? 

The hard sell from my doctor and my husband to terminate the pregnancy came almost immediately. My periontologist's method of trying to convince me was crass and medieval. He stated I should think of my other kids and how it would affect them. I should think of my own future and how I would be this child’s primary caregiver for the rest of her life.

At the end of that doctor appointment, I was given two days to make up my mind if I was going to have an abortion. I thought about my other children and the life lessons of patience, understanding and love having baby Katie in their lives would bring them. I thought of myself as her caregiver, and I couldn’t think of a more meaningful way to charge through my life.

My husband’s campaign for me to terminate was much more subliminal. Let me just say now that my husband loves Katie with his entire heart and now that she is here I know he can not imagine life with out her. But as with many people who receive this kind of news, the unknown can be terrifying. He reacted with long absences from his family and had a curt manner and short fuse with me at all times.

For me the news was devastating. My shock and grief went on for several weeks. In fact, I was sad for the rest of my pregnancy.  Even with all the blessings I knew would be coming my way with the arrival of this child, I was drudgingly sad. But not once did I ever consider termination. 

In the weeks after I made the adamant decision about not having an abortion, I found out that there are a higher percentage of women who are in their twenties having children with Down Syndrome than women my age. This is because women over the age of 35 are given a huge laundry list of tests since they have a higher chance of birth defects. Older women who find out the results of these tests have the option of choosing to continue the pregnancy or not. Many are choosing not to go ahead.

I am not here to judge anyone. You have to know yourself pretty well to make this kind of decision, either way. It is not easy. Oddly enough it was for me. Although my husband and I had our issues, I did not think for one minute we were in jeopardy. It is unfortunate that I was wrong. I could go on about how unfortunate the last year has been. How age 39 is a year I would never want to relive. 

But it is now a matter of waking up every morning with a smile or at least a smirk on my face to show my children that everything will be OK.  When my three girls are together, my older ones are always trying to make Katie smile. Her smile comes from a place of trust, security, hope and love. I wish I could say I am able to radiate all of that every second of every day. But at the moment I am falling short.

Katie is now four months old. She is healthy and making significant strides everyday that we (I) did not expect possible. We (I) have been fortunate in that Katie’s health issues have not been life threatening just life refocused and intensified. 

Every bowel movement has to be mentally charted as to frequency and substance.  Many children with Down Syndrome have rectal muscles that are not as strong.  For Katie that means constipation and hard stools. We (I) began giving her prune juice twice a day to help soften her daily output. Unless a more serious condition arises because of this, she will continue having her morning and afternoon juice cocktail for the rest of her life. Not to bad considering what other problems she could have. 

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Ruth E Hernandez August 08, 2011 at 11:46 PM
Carrie, this is very sad news, I didn't see or feel this coming. You will continue to be strong and be able to get through this difficult time. Sending you best wishes. :)
Just My Opinion August 09, 2011 at 12:15 AM
Carrie...I understand how sad, angry, and hurt you are. Maybe your hubby just needs some space right now...to think...to adjust. This is hard on him also. Give him the time and space he needs. I pray to God he returns to his family who loves him. He is still responsible to help with your's and the girl's welfare and day-to-day needs. Please do not let him off the hook on this one. I will keep you in prayer. Take it one day at a time. Enjoy your beautiful girls, rely on your faith, stay busy with your time. I do hope you have family that will help you. God has trusted you with 3 of his beautiful angels, don't let Him down. . God's blessings to you & your beautiful family.
Ron Rosen August 09, 2011 at 12:34 AM
Carrie - my heart goes out to you. From my experience, I know that everything can change for the better, every negative can become a positive. It is too bad that your husband doesn't seem to realize that right now. Maybe he will some day.
Jessie August 09, 2011 at 04:18 AM
Carrie-I know we havent seen much of each other lately, but I am just up the street if you ever need to talk. I am so sorry.
alejandra August 10, 2011 at 03:37 AM
Thanks for your honest and uplifting post. You are very strong, you know you made the right choice and God will bless you for it.
Laurie Allee August 10, 2011 at 04:11 AM
Carrie, you are so brave and generous to share this with all of us. Please know that in doing so, you are creating even more friends who want to reach out to you and your beautiful family. Count me as one of them.
Carla Sameth August 11, 2011 at 09:05 PM
Carrie - I want to repeat what the other comments have voiced - I think you showed great courage in writing openly about what happened/is happening in your life, especially on Patch where it is "hyper-local" and nowhere to hide. I imagine you are still in shock, PTSD of sorts, each morning you wake up and say, here I am - but how did I get here? And often not without time to even ponder that. It's hard to really spit out the raw footage rather than little platitudes about what was "meant to be" perhaps comforting your comforters more than anything. Keep writing - you have a voice and a story that should be heard and WILL offer solace to others going through brutal and unexpected circumstances. And that's not to say that there is no joy either along with the present - jarring- reality, highs and lows as well as day to day utter exhaustion.
Jenifer Rousseau Lawyer August 20, 2011 at 12:38 AM
Sweetie, my heart and prayers are going across the country to you. You are strong enough to do this. You are doing this. What a wonderful mother you are.
Jodi August 31, 2011 at 08:54 PM
Just wanted to say "hi". I have a 20 year old son with DS. I had him when I was 29. He makes me laugh every day and adds so much to my life. Hi to Carla too! We grew up together in Bellevue.

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